


the perfect delight

by actualflower



Series: character studies: mortality and bonds. [7]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: @scanlan stop being hard to find muse for, F/M, IM DONE W/ ALL OF THEM, i finished it, its here, jfc that took forever to write, take it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 03:29:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7558402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actualflower/pseuds/actualflower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>scanlan shorthalt is a man of many talents: lover, music-maker, spell-caster, and deft avoider of death.</p>
<p>a character study of the dysfunctional dad-friend of vox machina.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the perfect delight

scanlan shorthalt is a man of many talents: lover, music-maker, spell-caster, and deft avoider of death. he’s cheated its chilly embrace more times than he can count at this point, and he supposes it’s no big deal. as long as no one else gets hurt, it’s fine! and more often than not, they’re helping more than they hurt, so it’s fine.

\-- _they_ being vox machina, this ragged band of mercenaries and adventurers he’s someone come to call his own. vox machina, whom he styles himself leader of, because _of course_ he’s the leader; he’s the eldest, he’s the wisest, he’s got more life experience in his pinky finger than all of them combined (alright. that one’s a blatant lie, but it can never be said that scanlan is entirely _honest_ , either).

but he likes them. they’re a group of friends and acquaintances going on adventures to kill baby fetus gods and demiliches and even a _dragon_ that one time, and somewhere along the line, he’s started calling them all _family_ in his head. it’s not too bad, honestly. he could do with this.

especially pike. pike, his angel. pike, to whom he pins all his hopes and dreams and won’t admit it’s her he’s thinking about when he and grog visit their, um, _lady houses_ . pike, who rebuffs him at every turn, but if he stopped pursuing her now, it’d feel like giving up, and scanlan shorthalt _never_ gives up. so he keeps pike in his sights, and keeps composing, and the party moves on -

and then pike leaves, and he’s got plenty of time to _think._

_..._ he doesn’t use it. of course he doesn’t. why waste time on pesky things like introspection when there’s glory to be had? when there’s songs to be sung and women to pine over? when there’s a family right in front of him that he’s somehow become the dysfunctional father of?

he shoves the hurt away, and doesn’t think about pike for a while except in fleeting moments, when he’s alone and the world seems far enough away as to not be real, and lets himself hurt.

see, it’s not that he doesn’t care about how she feels - he cares, so much it burns him inside, and he thinks that’s what stings the most, this constant twisting dance of emotions that runs hot-cold between them, and he’s left wanting by his own behavior. he knows she’s not going to love him. it’s just easier, when all the things he wants to pin his hopes to has a name and a face. it’s not fair to pike, and it’s not fair to him, but -

this is his weak moment. allow him this, even now.

so pike comes back, and the dance continues, but now scanlan can feel himself faltering in the steps.

and then he meets kaylee.

kaylee, dear, sweet, spitfire kaylee, this little girl whom he didn’t even knew _existed_ , his daughter, his daughter, (and the words run circles around his head, a melody he doesn’t think he’ll ever want to be rid of) -

the word _father_ tastes like ashes on his tongue.

he doesn’t deserve it. he knows this, and it scalds him. scanlan shorthalt, mr. love-’em-and-leave-’em, showman extraordinaire, does not deserve to be a father. if his track record is anything to go by, he’s a piss-poor one already. when the dragons attack, the only thing he can think of is kaylee, and dranzel, and hoping that they all made it out safe.

he spends a long time thinking, after that. about pike, about kaylee, about himself - every quiet moment inbetween traveling to westruun and facing off with that beast umbrasyl is devoured by his thoughts. _what have i done_ is a common one, second only to _what can i do now?_ he doesn’t know. he thinks about what would happen if he dies tomorrow, tiny scanlan the gnome against that great beast, and he doesn’t know.

he realizes, suddenly, that pike is not what he needed. pike, in all her angelic glory, was an ideal, unfairly pinned to his gnomish companion. she never deserved to be treated like anything more than a gnome, and a friend. and kaylee - she deserves a father. a real one, someone better than him, but he thinks that if she just gives him the chance, he might be able to do it. he just might be able to pull it off.

it’ll be the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life, harder than fighting a fucking dragon (and that’s saying something, what with the dragons _they’ve_ fought), but by the gods, he’ll do it. for kaylee, he’ll do it.

after umbrasyl dies, he spends a little while looking at the ring in his possession, before he pockets it and decides to do something that’s worth doing, for once.

it feels cleansing, when he gives the ring to kaylee - like the last dregs of the poison of pedestals and ideals have been washed from him, and he’s being given a second chance. kaylee gives him that odd look of hers, like she doesn’t know what to do with him, and honestly? he doesn’t know what to do with himself, either. he just hopes that whatever comes next, he can be good for her. good for them. good for every member of his family - keyleth, pike, grog, vex, percy, vax. even that ridiculous bear.

**Author's Note:**

> I DID IT MOM ARE YOU PROUD
> 
> no but seriously scanlan is the hardest fricking gnome to write for and i'm still not happy with this but it's DONE and i can FINALLY work on other things without feeling guilty. i'll probably let this sit as-is for a few days before i go back and edit it to all hell, but here it is! have it! take it from me!
> 
> scanlan, you terrible dad-friend. i love you.
> 
> title from Paradise Waiting by Vacationer.
> 
> talk 2 me abt gnome dads @ [ppepperbox.tumblr.com!](http://ppepperbox.tumblr.com)


End file.
